Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Please Help My Unbelief

I suppose airing out your day to day struggles might, at times, be frowned upon by society. We put up walls, pretend to be perfect, and create an illusion that even though we know life isn't perfect, our life is pretty close to it. But, hey, since when have I ever made a decision because it might be "frowned" upon? No more walls. No more pretending. I don't serve society, I serve God. I remember my youth pastor's wife telling me when I was 13 to never feel alone. Not only has God prepared every step for you, but He is walking with you, and there is another believer out in the world who is feeling or has felt the same thing....You are not alone.

Most days I would say I find joy in the small things. My favorite song on the radio, a reminder of God's love, my husband's sweet voice bellowing through the house as I walk in the door. My "most days" have been pretty hard to find lately. The darkness sets in and the enemy some how finds a way to sit on the throne in my head. I don't battle addictions to alcohol or drugs, or shopping (well, maybe the shopping sometimes ;) My battles are fought completely in my own head. Some times they are self created, some times I succumb to the attack of the enemy, and some times I am just too tired to fight back. Most of these battles remind me of a song loop, never ending and repetitive. Self-defeat, unbelief, and the mere thought that being me is simply just not enough. I have moments when I am not sure....not sure about anything. All of this coming from a girl who had a 20 year plan at the age of 5. And all of this coming from a girl married to a pastor, the guilt that I feel is sometimes simply unbearable. How do I minister to others, to my high school girls, how can God use someone who is constantly battling a lack of faith in her own life. How can He use someone who quite simply feels as if she has nothing left to give. How can He use me and why would He want to?

Moving here, to Raleigh, has been the best thing I have ever experienced. It has been the hardest, please don't get me wrong. But I have been pushed out of my comfort zone time and time again and forced to rely on God, myself, and my husband...because that really is all that I have. I've taken my self-worth and rested it on the shoulders of a job, a degree, a paycheck, a title, a status...only to find myself right back at square one. When will I learn? God has been trying to teach me the same lesson for four years, and how many times will He try and how many times will it take for me to finally have an "Ah-Ha" moment? I have voluntarily placed myself on a merry-go-round all the while knowing how I can get off of it, but choosing not to. I know the Sunday School answers, I know what the Bible says, heck, I even know what I would say to a gal in my own position. But when the tables are turned, when will I know, and really know, that my identity is found in Christ. My worth is found in Christ. My tomorrows belong to Him. Every tear I have cried or will ever cry has passed through His hands. Every heartache, every joy, every blessing, every sorrow has and will pass through His hands. How long must I wait? And in the midst of the chaos in my head, God gently whispers to me that it is not a matter of waiting. I am not waiting on Him. He is waiting on me, to fully surrender; my plans, my pride, my life, my everything. To realize that I was never meant to do this on my own. He has been eagerly waiting for me to cry out His name, to put my foolish pride away and to see who I am in light of the Cross, not in light of this world.

Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you.  Ps. 143:8 (NLT)


  1. Love you Katie Butson. I feel like I could have written this myself. I understand how you are feeling. Wish I had answers, but I seem to still be dealing with lots of these things. Just wanted to let you know that you are loved, that you are being prayed for, and that you are not alone in this. It is hard to be a pastor's wife. No one really knows the depth of that until they have experienced it. Wish we could go get tea & sit & chat for awhile. Until then, if you ever need to talk, I'm here :)

  2. Praying for you today girl. We all have inner struggles going on in our lives, despite the walls we all create, and despite the faces we all put on. This valley will come to an end, but you are seeking help from the right place.